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Mark Twain
11/30/1835-4/21/1910
US author
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  • Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

  • It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech,
    freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.

  • Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was
    here first.

  • Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

  • A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.

  • Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since
    been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.

  • There are laws to protect the freedom of the press' speech, but none that are worth
    anything to protect the people from the press.

  • Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands
    of times.

  • If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the
    principal difference between a dog and a man.

  • Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat
    myself.

  • It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

  • Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

  • Of all the animals, man is the only one that lies.

  • Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

  • Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that,
    but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

  • When in doubt tell the truth.

  • What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere
    killing would be too light.

  • Only one thing is impossible for god: to find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
  • A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back
    the minute it begins to rain.

  • You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

  • Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

  • The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference
    between lightning and a lightning bug.

  • Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.

  • Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

  • Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

  • October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. Other
    dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June,
    December, August and February.

  • When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

  • Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

  • What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes
    only your skin.

  • Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased
    to live.

  • One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

  • Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.

  • Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

  • Man is the only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to.