The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is
that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.

•        Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
•        Witness: "I only have one, you know."

•        Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
•        Witness: "By death."
•        Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

•        Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

•        Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
•        Witness: "July 15th."
•        Lawyer: "What year?"
•        Witness: "Every year."

•        Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
•        Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
•        Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
•        Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
•        Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
•        Witness: "'Winchester'!"

•        Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
•        Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

•        Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
•        Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
•        Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
•        Witness: "Er...his face."

•        Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
•        Witness: "Yes."
•        Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
•        Witness: "I forget."
•        Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

•        Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
•        Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
•        Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
•        Witness: "Forty-five years."

•        Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
•        Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
•        Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
•        Witness: "My name is Susan."

•        Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
•        Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

•        Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
•        Witness: "After the accident?"
•        Lawyer: "Before the accident."
•        Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

•        Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
•        Witness: "Yes."
•        Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
•        Witness: "Yes, sir."
•        Lawyer: "What did she say?"
•        Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

•        Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
•        Witness: "No."
•        Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
•        Witness: "No."
•        Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
•        Witness: "No."
•        Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
•        Witness: "No."
•        Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
•        Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
•        Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
•        Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

•        Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

•        Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
•        Officer: "Yes, I do."
•        Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
•        Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

•        Lawyer: "What happened then?"
•        Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
•        Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
•        Witness: "No."

•        Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
•        Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

•        Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

•        Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"

•        Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

•        Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

•        Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

•        Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
•        Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

•        Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
•        Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
•        Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

•        Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
•        Witness: "That's me."
•        Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

•        Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

•        Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
•        Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
•        Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
•        Witness: "Yes."
•        Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

•        Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
•        Witness: "Four times."

•        Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

•        Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
•        Witness: "Yes."
•        Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
•        Witness: "None."
•        Lawyer: "Were there girls?"

•        Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe

•        Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
•        Witness: "Yes."
•        Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

•        Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
•        Witness: "Not yet."

•        Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike
the next question."

•        Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the
Rose Chapel?"
•        Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
•        Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"

•        Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
•        Witness: "Borofkin."
•        Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
•        Witness: "I can't remember."
•        Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
•        Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for
heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

•        Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
•        Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
•        Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
•        Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
•        Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
•        Witness: "No."

•        Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
•        Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

•        Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
•        Witness: "Fair."

•        Lawyer: "Are you married?"
•        Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
•        Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
•        Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

•        Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
•        Witness: "My ex-widow said it.

•        Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
•        Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he
was really good."

•        Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
•        Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

•        Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
•        Witness: "Yes sir."
•        Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

•        Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent
to your attorney?"
•        Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

•        The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from
your minds, if you have any."

•        Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
•        Witness: "No."
•        Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
•        Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
•        Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
•        Witness: "Attached to the ears."

•        Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time
being excluding all the restraints on
her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
•        Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

•        Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
•        Witness: "Oral."
•        Lawyer: "How old are you?"
•        Witness: "Oral."

•        Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
•        Witness: "She is my daughter."
•        Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

•        Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

•        Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just
passes quietly away and doesn't                 
know anything about it until the next morning?"

•        Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
•        Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
•        Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"

•        Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
•        Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."

•        Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to
your scalp?"
•        Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
•        Lawyer: "It was covered?"
•        Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
•        Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
•        Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."

•        Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
•        Witness: "I could see his head."
•        Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
•        Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

•        Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
•        Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

•        Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an
attempted murder trial?"
•        Witness: "The victim lived."

•        Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You
too were shot in the fracas."
•        Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

•        Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
•        Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."


Real Accidents Reports: Accident insurance claim forms ask for a brief statement about how the
accident happened. Here's some of these statements; see if they remind you of the excuses some of our
leaders make to justify their political blunders (accidents). Enjoy.

Statements made by drivers involved in Car Accidents:

•        "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
•        "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
•        "I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough
and found myself in a different         
direction going the opposite   way."
•        "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
•        "I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."
•        "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had
been alert."
•        "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
•        "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."
•        "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
•        "I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next
thing I saw was his rear end, and
there was a crash."
•        "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car
in the same place where it had
been struck several times before."
•        "The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
•        "The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a
•        "I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
•        "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a
hedge sprung up, obscuring
my vision."
•        "I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me
to have an accident."
•        "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
•        "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."
•        "My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back."
•        "I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers
then left immediately for a
vacation with injuries."
•        "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."
•        "The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the
other vehicle."
•        "When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
•        "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
•        "In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
•        "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
•        "As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had
ever appeared before.
I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."
•        "The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it
struck my front end."
•        "A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."
•        "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the
•        "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
•        "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

Source: Rink Work  et. al.