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Homer Simpson
character in "The Simpsons"-
For humor only!
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Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.

If something goes wrong, blame the guy who can't speak English.

Trying is the first step towards failure.

To alcohol! The cause of and solution to all of life's problems!

Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how
drunk you get.

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be
determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to
announce the lottery numbers.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in
eight hours of TV a day.

Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I
can continue killing you with beer.

Hey, can you take the wheel for a second, I have to scratch my self in two places at once.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on
TV!

I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!

Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your
own mother just to get one!

Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.

A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why God portions it out in
those little packets.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I am not crazy. It's the TV that's crazy. Aren't you, TV?

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls'
sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.